Doctor Blog--Can We Blame The Parents?--Part II
YS, one of my subscibers, ponders whether we can blame poor parenting on
"young, ignorant parents". See Part I for the first part of the discussion. I
reviewed a book on Divorce and The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.
YS is obviously concerned about how we can help parents that might be
disadvantaged suggesting obligatory parenting classes, school for a
trade and being supported financially all the way. Because divorce has
become such a big part of our society in general, I thought it might be useful
to look at this particular aspect since the impact on children is prominent.
I believe the issue has multiple facets. Among them is the governement's
role in our lives and our own choices. It has to be said that parents who
have more money have a better shot at good parenting. It is easier for
them to get quality help from sitters, day care, and nannies.
So, how do we impact those that have limited knowledge and limited resources?
In the US, we seem to have come to the belief that a "right" is what we "want".
We even seem to interpret "needs" as "rights" and have come to assume that we
should have these rights regardless of whether we have earned them. Simply by
existing, we have a "right". We have, in turn, charged our elected officials with
the job of making sure we each get these "rights". Many personal choices
have thus become political. Our politicians then make choices on how to
allot the money it takes to provide these "rights". This is one facet. I will
tie this perspective into the current topic further down in the article.
Another facet is that our society seems to have taken the sting out of poor choices.
That is, our Federal or State government, has systems in place that keep people
from feeling the consequences of their bad choices. I am not necessarily
saying this is bad. It is great to have a contingency for really bad things.
But, consider this: in life, we make choices. And some of them will be bad choices.
And, it is always heart breaking to watch people live through consequences.
But, consequences are the natural result of what we think, feel, and do.
They are not random events--at least not often.
So, as difficult as they are to watch, consequences should make us think twice
about our choices in the first place--getting married, having children, etc.
We are at least 2 to 3 generations deep in fragmented families--that is, single parents,
divorced parents, estranged parents, absent parents, etc. In fact, it appears that
divorce happens all the time and has become part of the fabric of our society.
We no longer think of it as a tragedy or scandal in the way it was even 3 or 4 decades
ago.
Consider this: Wallerstein makes the comment that each child experiences
divorce "single file". That is, there might be 15 kids in a classroom of 30 and
each of them will be thinking to themselves "why me?". Volume does not
lessen the pain nor the impact on the individual child. Even families who
had more than adequate finances had children with an emotional sense
of lack.
Let me be clear that divorce is not the only damaging thing that can happen
to families. There is alcoholism, family violence, drug abuse, and any of a
number of really bad things that can exist both within intact as well as
divorced families. So, my intention is to highlight divorce but not to assume
that it is the only problem that exists.
With regard to the "right to have children", it must be said that children should
be considered to have rights also, should they not?
Children should have a right to good parents, good parenting, and good teaching.
They should have a right to an education and the skills to make a life for themselves.
They should have a right to a childhood unencumbered by their parents' mistakes.
They should have a right to safety, security, a full stomach, and a warm bed.
Y hypothesizes that if we provide parenting classes and pay for an education,
that parenting skills will improve. I think these are great ideas. The question
would be how can we implement these ideas without regulating parenting?
Who will be responsible to see that parents attend these classes, learn the
material, implement what they have learned, and who will pay for it? How
will we measure success?
We already have a number of programs to help disadvantaged families or
parents in the US. These programs include Housing Assistance (government pays
for housing for families that are underprivileged), Disability Income (government
pays for those who claim an impairment that keeps them from doing work),
Head Start Programs (government pays for small children to be in an educational
environment with the theory that early intervention will help kids succeed),
Medical Care for the disadvantaged (Medicaid--government pays for healthcare).
With all these programs, have we seen success in moving our society toward
prosperous and healthy families? Or are we seeing a generation of children
who are raised in poverty and near total dependence on government?
My observations of the family structure over the past 20 years leads me
to believe that we have fallen short in raising our children and that, despite
our support programs, inadequate parenting has become generational (observation
in my practice as well as observations of families that have been honest enough
to share their decades of experience).
What I have seen repeatedly is: mom or dad are into drugs-or alcohol-or the
fast lane-or just not ready to raise kids but they have kids, the kids grow up poorly
attended, they themselves have children as teenagers By this time,
mom or dad have realized their mistakes but have not acquired any more
parenting skills. They try to help raise the grand kids on fixed incomes while
the real parents are struggling thru their own lives. It is a family cycle that probably
requires intervention for the whole family.
Parent is a verb not a noun. To have children may be a right but, with having
children comes responsibility that, if poorly attended, carries consequences.
In the purest sense, I believe we can blame the parents. Parents are the ones
that have make the choice to have children--parents choose to have sex, choose
to carry a child, choose to have a child. It is not something that happens while
they stand on a corner minding their own business.
Consider this: Children will grow up with food, clothing, and shelter.
But to raise them takes time, effort, and some skill.
So, what of the parents that have been poorly parented themselves--they may
not understand the importance of raising children nor where to go for information.
Can we go to the state and federal government and ask them to solve this?
Government can do many things. Parenting is not one of them. That happens
in the home, one on one between a parent and a child. There is no political
fix for this problem because it has to do with spirit, soul, and aspiration.
As Mark Twain said, "What is done to children, children will do to society".
Children are our greatest natural resource as a country and as an international
community. It is my belief that if we pour resources into our children, we will
secure our future. If we ignore the problem, we will also secure our future.
Which future do we want?
My own conclusion is that the solution should likely come from within our communities--
our local communities. We have churches, schools and hospitals in almost every
community in this country. There is some argument that churches are losing
relevance with the younger generations. Maybe there is a point here. Perhaps
institutional relevance should be dictated by how institutions serve our communities
rather than by which tradition or philosophy they espouse.
Maybe churches, schools, and hospitals can become conduits of information
and centers for learning and resources for both children and adults.
Ok, you have me on the soapbox now! Is poor parenting to blame for many of the problems we see today - teenage pregnancy, teenagers getting into drugs, alcohol, etc. - you bet! Entitlement has become a multi-generational concept. As a three-time PTA president of a local public school, and a two time representative of a district council of PTAs, I can say that I have come into contact with a lot of kids, teachers, and parents. Some of the poorest parenting I've seen belonged to upper-income families; some of the best to families who were the poorest of the poor. I read in research that problems in families tend to repeat themselves - abuse begets abuse, if you will. Maybe I'm hard-hearted, but I think it's still all about the choices! For example, take a classroom of 25 children in a city school district - there is a clear expectation of a standard of behavior for all 25 children; a majority may go home to households where beer, not milk is in the icebox, and cigarettes are bought before groceries. But - for 8 hours a day they are exposed to an expectation of good behavior - enough to know that there is another way to live than what they go home to. My mom grew up in a home with little love, an abusive mother, no appreciation for music, art,etc. and you know what? She learned what she DIDN'T want, and was a better parent for it. My parents divorced when I was 8, and while I didn't appreciate it at the time, I know I am twice the person I would have been had she not divorced my dad - it was a good thing. I believe with all my heart that my daughter is well-adjusted because I took her out of a home where the father was habitual in his substance abuse and his lack of coping skills. The daughter of one of my best friends blames all her mis-behavior on her mother's divorce, and I say HOGWASH! Again, and again, and again, I will say, I don't care WHY you did something, I care THAT you did it! It's always about the choices. Thanks to my mom for raising a family of strong women! We were the poorest of the poor, but she taught us about God, how to think, and the importance of making choices and the consequences of poor ones. So, yeah, parenting matters, but in the end, it's about the choices we make.
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brenda - i agree, it's very difficult to blame all your problems on divorce. in my relatively limited experience, i've come to think it's the warring between the parents, not the divorce, that causes the trauma - some divorces are painless, and some are a kind of cauterizing of that endless fighting; it's crude to tar them all with the same childhood-ruined brush, as i see so many older people doing.
i'd object to you both, rima and brenda, on one count though - rima, the church is not a place of education so much as one of indoctrination, as you can only be educated on that which is known to exist in the first place. i have never been to a church in my life and i resent the implication that my education has somehow been damaged by a lack of Christians in it. equally, brenda, please don't think that a parent who doesn't teach their children to believe in gods is a bad one or worse than a religious one, as that's truly not the case.
let the discussion commence!
L
L,
Thanx for your comment. However, let me point out two things. If you read carefully, you will note a very careful disclaimer about the role of divorce. Divorce was the starting point for the discussion and the discussion was not intended to make divorce the cause of all ills.
The two part article was intended to highlight a problem (and it is a problem) that has come to be completely ignored--the fact that
having separate homes between mom and dad can create problems for the kids. My intent is to focus on those problems and alert
as many people as possible of the things that can be done to minimize those problems.
Additionally, if you re-read my last paragraphs you will note that I specifically say that the relevance of institutions (whether churches,
schools, or hospitals) ought to be measured by their service to community. In other words, whether or not the community is part
of the "doctrine" of a particular institution should not determine whether the institution is of service. Put another way, whether you
believe in what an institution preaches, institutions are gathering places. There are buildings and support staff already in place. Why
not use them (provided these institutions wish to continue to be relevant) as conduits of information (not indoctrination as you have
understood).
Thanx for your perspective. This discussion should prove interesting...........
RBishara
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I like your solution. Parenting is something that should receive local support. It would be a great help if churches put more emphasis on right parenting and what a good thing it is. I am living proof that divorce is not the only thing that can make for poor parenting, so I agree with you there. I was raised in church and am somewhat baffled that my parents never received any instruction on doing a better job with their parenting. I have encountered several churches where adults tend to blame the children for their bad behavior instead of holding the parents accountable (granted sometimes kids can be very irresponsible and parents can be too generous, but that's another problem). I just don't think a lot of people see children as anything more than a nuisance. It probably stems from people being selfish, not getting the help they needed and having a sense of entitlement instead of a willingness to help others.
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To Follow is one of my favorite comments because Y. talks honestly about who he is, why this topic is important to him, and what his perspective comes from. Additionally, he spent some time doing statistical research about the subject and included it at the end of his comment. I so appreciate every reader and each comment. It enriches the discussion and makes it human and reachable. RBMD
Thanks a lot Dr. Rima for your great effort.
Talking from the point of view of a guy in the middle between childhood and parenthood, I remember a lot of my parents' mistakes, teachers' abuse, relatives' mistakes, terrible atmosphere at school, etc of which had a missive impact on my beliefs, personality, psych, and the way that I deal with social problems. Whether these effects were +ve on -ve I do not know. But with no doubt it did effect me big time.
Now tomorrow, when Its my turn to show the world my parenting skills, will I screw up because of my own childhood? or will I do a good job because of what I went through?
So, Can We Blame the Parents? I will say: YES. Every individual should be held responsible for his actions. I know you had a tough and mis fortunate childhood, you took care of your self, you didn't receive the care, attention, and education that you deserved. I know you were once a victim. But that is not an excuse to slip out of your responsibilities towards your own children and community.
One thing that will make this a little more complicated is the defense mechanism that behavioral scientists call "Identification"; unconsciously pattering one's behavior after that of someone who is more powerful; where a man who was physically abused as a child abuses his own children. I guess we should look out for that also!
Regarding whether the church, school, ..., should have a roll here, of course they should.
When Dr. Rima started the talk with divorce as a major factor contributing to poor parenting skills I under estimated its significance. To my amazement I recently read some statistics that reinforce her point. I read that "Close to 50% of all American marriages end in divorce" I must say that is a huge number!
Here are other facts that I found:
- Children who were sexually or physically abused are more likely to become violent adults.
- At least 250,000 cases of child abuse are reported annually, in the US.
- Approximately 25% of all girls and 12% of all boys report sexual abuse at some point during their lives.
- About 1 million US teenagers become pregnant each year: 50% have the child : 33% have elective abortion : the remainder are spontaneously aborted.
- Consequences of teenage pregnancy, For the mother: leading cause of school drop out. For child: possible lower level of intellectual functioning and increased risk of delinquency and suicide).
Till next time, take care.
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Did you hear of this?
"A man who allegedly hid his daughter in a cellar for 24 years and fathered six children by her has been arrested by police in Austria.
The 73-year-old, known only as Josef F, was arrested on suspicion of incest and keeping his daughter in captivity.
The woman is believed to have been missing since 1984 and is now 42..."
http://www.lep.co.uk/weirdnews/Austrian-39hid-daughter-in-cellar39.4024720.jp
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